Open Doors

For a while now I have found myself in this season where I feel the need and urgency to get out there and be the hands and feet of God. It is not enough for me to attend meetings that talk about what we can do, or "just pray" (though I don't discount that as the biggest thing we can do!).
I just want to do something. I want to see the evidence that I am making a difference.
YET, there is this laziness of my sinful nature that has welled up inside so that despite these feelings I haven't done anything. I think about joining clubs, but never get my butt to the meeting. I keep intending to, "when I get back I will -" but then...nothing. This week we had a poverty symposium here at my school and I had the awesome privilege of listening to Shane Claiborne speak. Let me tell you, he is one remarkable man who is doing big things for Christ. He inspired me. We also had a special Small Group event that focused on this topic of poverty. Once again, I felt convicted about all that I wasn't doing. For all know that " If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. (James 4:17). How much sin have I really been living in? So much more than I even know. Wow. Humbled and broken.
Once we returned back to the dorm I laid on a dear friend's floor and lamented my life problems and rambled about my thoughts and emotions trying to make sense of them all.
And after all, all I knew was I  needed direction.
I had a million questions, and I needed answers. Even if it was just one.

I was walking around this afternoon thinking of all this again and there was this thought that drifted through my mind of  "sometimes I just feel like God stops speaking to me". I felt like I was left in the middle of a giant world, overwhelmed, with no answers, no direction. A fight, but not enough passion.
Well...as you can guess. That is not the end of the story, because our God is an awesome God, after all.
This evening before dinner my RA pulled me into her room because she wanted to ask me something. Come to find out, a small group of them are going to go down to GA to help in a tornado relief effort all day tomorrow and she wondered if I wanted to join. Immediately my heart rejoiced. It only took a split second to realize that this trip was directly from the hand of God. My schedule was virtually free, and the only thing planned could easily be moved. I had declined that trip home with my roommate, and even two of my best friends went on a trip with out me and I was bummed I had to stay here by myself. Well God knew I needed to stay, so I could go.
I also have really been in need for some service hours for my school so I can stay on track of getting 80hrs by Graduation and this has been weighing on my mind all week but I can get hours tomorrow.

There are obviously still many questions left unanswered, and obviously I still need to seek out other service opportunities beyond this, but the real reason I am so excited is because I realized that my God is still speaking. He is still vividly direction. Because so clearly, right before my eyes, a door was opened. I know they are not always this obvious, but I have to continue to trust they are always there, being opened- one at a time. This is just the first step. Hopefully from here I can start learning more and more to be aware of what He is doing and how I can serve Him.
Please be in prayer for us tomorrow if it crosses your mind. I have never done a trip like this before.  

lessons.

I've only been back to school for just about a week and a half and it already feels like its been a huge semester. And will be. A semester of truth growth and change. Challenge.
Last semester I just got my feet wet, established in a new place. Seeds planted.
Now it's time to grow. To make roots. To produce fruit.
My Co-Floor Leader and I were given a pot to plant seeds in last week to prove this very point. Last semester we established friendships, and a basis, but now in Small Groups, it's time to go deep, and see the fruit of our labor.
Well tonight it was brought to my attention that a small bud had broken through the soil. For a person who does not a green-thumb what-so-ever I was thrilled. And as I sat in Small Group prayer with my fellow Floor Leaders, I just had this happy content feeling sweep over me realizing that God is indeed working in my hall, establishing friendships and extending roots. ...Not all of it we can see- sometimes we can only see a glimpse, but He sees the beautiful big, eternal picture.
With that small green sprout also came the encouragement of life and a something beautiful and new.

Similarly, this afternoon it snowed. SNOW. My MK heart was ecstatic as I had anticipated it all day, and walked through all the sleet and hail that prepared the way. But it fell the entire time I was in a meeting, and stopped before I got out. And as disheartening this fact is, I also can find a symbolic attachment to my current life.
I was in a meeting like none I've ever had. I had an experience I might never get to have again. An ex-pimp, who was saved my grace came to FREEU (an anti-human trafficking club on campus) to share his testimony. Much of my time and mind have been spent thinking about this horrific topic of sex/human trafficking/ modern slavery as last semester it was raised in my life often and this semester I'm actually moved to respond. Having watched "Sex + Money" the other day, I couldn't stand it any longer. It was time to move.
With this heartbreaking subject, paired with a heavy topic I was preparing for Small Groups about how media portrays women and in-turn society view/treat women my heart was pretty heavy. Reality is, our world is pretty broken. But as I was listening to this man share his stories, I thought about the snow covering the ground, laying a blanket of white on everything, and I felt this peace cover me like a blanket as well. My God is bigger than this, and as out of control as it is, nothing is beyond His capability. This feeling of Him just covering me with His pure, perfect self came over me. I really don't know how to describe it, but as the world was transformed outside, my heart was being transformed inside.
As this man shared his testimonial I was moved to tears by the power and true grace of God.
There still is beauty left in this world. There really, really is.
You make beautiful things out of dust...you make beautiful things out of us.  

I move through these days, just seeing God move and being aware of His presence in even just the little things. It is a very special time in life when you find yourself in the middle of it, and one I haven't had often...but I'm learning to just fully trust Him, be content and praise Him- for the good and the bad. To pray and just stand in awe of Him as He moves. Our God is an awesome God. Amen? 

3:40 am.
Darkness has surrounded me and despite my body slowly giving in, my mind won't let me go to sleep.
It's racing with memories, old and new. My heart is over flowing with joy and gratitude as I feel so extremely blessed.
I have spent the last week with some (20+!!) Missionary Kids (MKs) from Papua New Guinea, which has been an unbelievably special time and has been far beyond all that I could have hoped for. After half a year of packing up my world and adapting to a new one, figuring out college and the American life, it was exactly what I needed- to be able to bring in the New Year with old loved ones was such a treat.
The great thing is that MKs have this special bond that no words can describe. Even the MKs I haven't seen in years or were never close to, we still connect deeply, and even MKs from different counties that I meet- we all have this thing within in us that just has an understanding that can't be described. It is quite remarkable.
It has been so much fun because I've been able to see people I haven't seen in 5ish years, friends who have since gotten engaged, friends I wasn't close to before but now have formed a friendship, friends I thought I'd never see again and one of my very closest friends in life. We've made new memories that are separate from PNG ones, but also reflected on the old.
Part of me feels like I never left PNG because, as bazaar as it is to see all these faces again, and in a Westernized setting, it feels so natural. As much as I love my life at college, that is exactly what I needed, to totally step aside from current life and go back "home", to the familiar at least. And since I was a million miles from home this holiday season, it's the next best thing.
But in the middle of this excitement I've been reminiscing (as expected at New Years) and realizing how much has happened in the 6 months since I've left (which I haven't blogged about) despite it going by in a blink of an eye.
God has been so incredibly good to me- providing me with friends, people to fill ever little whole I might have in my life, great teachers and classes. To give me comfort in time of pain, strength in times of weakness, energy finishing many a late night paper. I have learned so much in every area of my life and just really discovering so much in me and...this world.
2012 was really quite some year. Starting in PNG blowing up deodorant cans on a dirt mound, and cruising in the back of a pick up truck, to having every "last", cramming it all with memories. Senior trip, Banquet, Grad, packing up, lock ins, retreats, holidays, outreaches, SRC events, Cairns vacation, reunions, goodbyes, traveling around the US with my mom, visits from a brother, moving into a dorm and starting college, Thanksgiving in Ohio, Christmas in Georgia. And how fitting that it all came full circle to end it with a house full of PNG folks. It was definitely a great start to 2013. :)

We've spent the week eating out, going Ice Skating (still feeling that one...), watching the new Les Mis (SO good), catching up on each others lives, playing Chinese Checkers like a pro, drinking countless cups of coffee, and just all around enjoying each others company. I am truly happy and ready to start another semester.

be still and know.

You all know that verse. that phrase. "Be still and know that I am God."
You've probably heard a sermon on it. done a devo on it.
This is something I'm working on. As a college student, this is definitely a challenge.
And sometimes we kind of have no choice but to be.
More like in a world of craziness, being overwhelmed and frazzled all you can do IS just stop.

Today was one of those days where I had sooo much to get accomplished. I had meetings and application deadlines, homework assignments and chapel requirements. Projects hanging over my head.
Today I was going to get a lot accomplished. I could do this. I was ready to conquer Thursday.
Yeah. I. But the thing is I can't do this by MYself.
Things started off ok, and I even got out of class early which allowed me time to both get breakfast that I missed AND go home to get notes I forgot. But when I lost my lanyard (meaning I got a *miss* for Chapel, despite sitting through the whole thing) things began to unravel. I didn't have time for this. I had to miss lunch, because they wouldn't let me in with out my id. I missed my friend's "surprise" for me. When I went to meet my professor for our meeting he had to run out and told me to come back later. Campus safety hung up on me after they told me "no!" they didn't have a lanyard. The Conn Center hadn't seen it.
I was on the edge of tears, with no where to turn, and an empty stomach growling.

So as quickly as I could I walked over to the little church reserved for students to pray in. (It's absolutely gorgeous in that building.) I put aside all my meetings and homework. I HAD to make time to go before my Lord. I had to be still. In all honesty, I just sat there and cried. Once again, I tried to do this all on my own. Yeah, I would send up a quick prayer each morning asking Him to help me that day...but I hadn't earnestly seeked Him each morning.

Well long story short, I gathered myself and went and finished my app, attended my meeting, and finally went back to the Conn Center, in faith that my lanyard was there. And it was. I was SO releved. And tonight I got more homework done then I could have hoped for.
No, I'm not saying that if you take time before God that everything will be magically healed...but when I left that place He had given me a peace. His presence was enough to calm my spirit and keep me focused. I realized, once again, that I really really really do need to be still. and KNOW. that HE is God. (and I am not).

me.

So I realize as I personal blog I often, if not like always talk about me. How selfish. (and here I am talking about me, talking about me.) But I think for once in my life I'm tired of talking about me.
I understand that new friends and teachers want to get to know me. How nice.
But for classes I have to write an autobiography for my class Gateway (freshman orientation course), a "Where I am From" paper for College writing, a personal calling paper for my Missions of the Church class AND do a presentation of my life in a class.
 
You'd normally think that all these papers would be simple to write, but I'm personally finding them hard. I'm not trying to forget my life in PNG, but as I'm transitioning and starting a new life here I'm trying to focus on the here and now. Be content where I am. I'm excited to be here and I don't want to look back to much and remember all I miss. But these papers are forcing me to go back there. Relive the memories and the scenery. To be back in that moment and grasp that emotions. It's honestly...draining. I'm so emotionally tired and don't know how I'll have the strength to write the Where I'm From one this weekend.

And with friends...The first question after you get someone's name is either "what's your major?" or the MK's least favorite question, "where are you from?". There is really no way around it. I can't lie and say from Ohio, cause then they ask where, how long, why, highschool etc. And they'll find out sooner or later - we do have 4 years together. So I tell them...then they ask a million other questions. PNG is a HUGE part of my life, it made up who I am...but there is more to be then the country. --Do you play sports? Yeah soccer. -Well did you have a team over there? who'd you play? --It's so complicated just to answer simple questions.

So for once in my life I'm exhausted of the "simple questions", of talking about me. I'm tired of thinking about the "good ol' days" and putting my life out there for people to try to understand. So why am I doing exactly that by blogging? Cuz I just needed to get it off my mind and I don't have to answer any questions here. And there isn't a syllabus or outline I have to follow for this. But anyways...venting session. Off to work on my paper. Have a great weekend everyone!!! :)

Couldn't be happier...

Life's jogging along at a pretty fast pace here at college, and my little freshman legs are doing all they can to keep up. But I'm loving it.
I told my mom the other day that I feel like I should be concerned how easy it has been on me. I absolutely love my roommate and we are more than compatible. She is so out going that every-time I go out with her I make a new friend. People here are so friendly, nice and easy going and I feel so comfortable. I've laughed so much the past week that my abs hurt if I laugh. I went to a church with friends this weekend that I really enjoyed and could see myself getting involved with. My professors are funny and caring. My homework is interesting *gasp* and though there is a lot I get it done. And having a Chick-fil-a, Subway & Dunkin' Donuts on campus doesn't hurt. Friends with a car allows for random adventures down town. And there are so many good programs that I'm already getting involved in.

So why am I ranting and raving about my school? Because I feel all this is a sign that God is faithful. I left PNG with so many fears. with anxiety of big college looming over me. with the stress to be a certain way so I could make friends. But God gently wrapped me up and said, "you know what. You'll be alright- I'll be with you. Dare to dream of a good time. I've got you." And I know that I have so many prayer warriors on my side going into this, and I'm grateful to each and everyone of them.

I love being here...yes in a Christian bubble, because this bubble doesn't squish my faith- it inspires it.
I love being here at a brand new place, with brand new people and I'm able to be whoever I want to be. So guess who I chose to be? ME. :) I feel like God has empowered me from day one to have the confidence in Him to be just who I am. I don't have to impress anyone. I don't have a past to make up for or a name to live up to. 

Of course it hasn't been all smooth sailing and I know there are bound to be many, many rough days ahead. But I know He WILL be my strength if I look to Him.

Thank you all for caring. Like everyone has said to me many times, "College is so much fun, and such a great part of your life." I've only been here for 2 weeks, and already am loving it. Just can't get enough. 

A giant step in a new direction...

So here I am again, back in the blogging world with renewed writing energy, new stories and probably-not-but-hopefully more time.
I realize I haven't blogged this entire summer and there is really no way I can catch you all up. I didn't put that pressure on me to try to keep up and at this point it's too much to think about to go all the way back, so I'm just picking back up right where I am, in the here and now.

The here and now is college. :) Yes. I am all moved into to my dorm room (which I lucked out and is one of the larger ones on campus.) I've met my roommate, who is a perfect match for me (so far). We've played capture the flag with our brother dorm. Watched movies. Gone to orientation seminars. Had chapel servives with awesome worship. Heard from the president. Gotten 2 free t-shirts. Free pizza. Free lunches. Free dinners. I stood in the 1 hour line to get my ID...which the photo is about the size of my thumbnail and was taken while the police office inhaled his Famous Amos cookies. We've had a surprise birthday party. Ran to Walmart for snacks. Watched a man twirl fire. Gone for walks. And then there was Deke Day.
And yes, this was all this weekend, as I moved my boxes of essential junk in on Friday.
It's been a crazy weekend, following a crazy summer, but I really couldn't be much more happy where I am.
I knew God called me to this place but He's been making that even more clearly evident to me as time goes on here. As I walk the sidewalks and smile at friendly places. As I meet sweet girls, and connect with random strangers. As speakers speak words of truth and the congregation I'm worshiping with is larger then any other I've been in. As I see godly men and women want to do the Lord's will and encourage each other. God is here. I am here. and that's all because of Him.

Yesterday afternoon we went on what Lee calls Deke day. Deke comes from a Greek word which means "to serve." And that is one of the things I love about this school. Last year alone they outputted over 72,000 hours of service. So as part of your orientation all the freshman kick off the year with a service project.
We split into groups and went and visited a total of 41 nursing homes. My group was bussed off to an Alzheimer's unit where we sat with, colored for, played Janga with, tried to talk with the patients. It was actually a really special time in which I was able to get over many of my fears or stereotypes I had of super elderly/alzheimers patients. And believe it or not, I would love to go back. Yes, it took unbelievable amounts of patience to repeat the same thing over and over again. and to be told the same thing over and over again. At times it was hard to get through to them. But they loved having us there. One lady thought we were spending the night and it made me so sad when she realized we wouldn't eat breakfast with her. I'm so ready to get out serve. Bring it.

This is stepping into something completely new, away from anything and everything that is familiar to me but I'm excited to see where God takes us. I know it's not going to be all smooth, happy sailing, but then how am I to grow? So here's to new beginnings. A direction. Another giant step forward.