Cutting the Clutter and Guarding Margins

I think I need to preface this post with 1. the acknowledgment that I have not blogged at all this semester but just jumping right back in and 2. this post is not meant to be a "look at this great thing I've done" but rather this is something I'm learning and all the credit goes out to the Lord. My hope is that maybe my experience and experiment can be some sort of help.

Western culture moves entirely too fast for my liking. My inner missionary kid screams for life to slow down and for relaxed picnics on grassy hills on warm quiet Sundays. Maybe college is to blame as to why sometimes I feel like a chicken with my head cut off, running around frantically. And then there is be an RA- sending me spinning like I'm on a crazy carouse. But again, it might boil down to just simply being a human being, but some days I feel more like a zombie than anything else.
Last week I felt crushed, smothered, overwhelmed and I found myself in the middle of a worship service trying to reach out to a God I felt like I could not connect to.

And it hit me.

I: me, myself and I had piled on so very much into my life that I fogged my own vision. I had cluttered my life with everything, besides God. So in this moment of worship I decided to set aside this week to strip down all the clutter and get to the simple Leslie that was at the core at it all.
Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Yes.

I started with the obvious. TV. Caught up in the middle of an old season of a television show I had spent way too many hours the previous week staring at a screen.
Then I went to the physical. I felt sluggish and drained and realized all I had been taking in was junk. So I cut out sugar, junk food, extensive snacking. Man is this a daily struggle as the donuts and chocolate bunnies watch me through out the day.
But as I did inventory of my life is started getting more difficult because the next thing I wrote down was relationships. Arguably the greatest thing we live for. But the realization that I had relied more on my great friends and community to fill me with strength and love than I did from God. And to realize the reverse- I had been trying to love and give of myself and I had no more to give. I was not loving out of the well of God's love.
There was so many other things added to this list, such as no phone games, instagram, just basic makeup (foundation and mascara)...not trying to be legalistic or strict but just stripping down to the basics. As I woke up eager for the week I opened my Jesus Calling to the words

"This is the time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions and of control"

If that was not enough, that evening I went to an event called "How to create intimacy with an invisible God" and the speakers main point was to "guard/defend your margins". Pretty much what she was getting at was the need for solitude with the Lord. To block out that space and protect it so that- as I found out the hard way- your life doesn't get cluttered. Fight for it if you must because it is what breathes life and keeps us surfaced.


Now it is great to strip down things, but the Lord showed me that it can not stop there. (this is the part where I acknowledge I'm not wiser or better or anything...honestly, it is the Lord). I'm learning discipline. (and as the Bible says: No discipline is pleasant at the time,  but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11). So to replace all these things that use to rob my time I set aside 1 full, un-interupeted hour of time to be quiet with God each day. Do you know how long an hour is? Long. Is it hard? Yes! Is it worth it? Yes.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13
Before I was giving that half hearted crap. Maybe just 1/4 if I'm being honest. I fit it in when it was convenient for me.  This can not be.

This week I feel present. I feel in control of my emotions and thoughts (which is something I missed before). I feel like I am playing an active role in my life.
But beyond that, the truth is: The Lord has been present. The Lord has guided me and cleared my heart and head. The Lord is playing an active role in my life. He has been encouraging, reviving and soothing me. He is the one that brings people across my path who I have been meaning to connect with for weeks. He is the one that encourages me through other people when I least expect it after weeks of seeking affirmation.
He is here and that peace that Hebrews mentions- I'm getting a glimpse into it. Just when I thought I was out of touch- He proves me wrong once again. Oh how sinful I am. Oh how I fail and get caught up in my old world. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8. Praise the Lord.

Great is thy Faithfullness

This past summer I spent my days working at a summer camp, and loved it! More than anything, the Lord worked inside me to grow, challenge me and reveal things to me. At camp, each counselor gets a camp name, and I was given the name Sunset.
Back in June 2012 I posted this about the last sunset I saw before leaving my home of Papua New Guinea:

"I seem to feel that God often shows his unfailing love to me through the beautiful sunsets he displays, and that last night was one of the brightest, most intense skies we had had in a while. I sat on my porch, thinking of the scenes I had just taken in, thinking of the chapter that was beautifully coming to a close. The last time I'd see the sun sink behind those mountains, yet God was practically screaming his love, comfort and faithfulness at me."

I love those words!
So during training week we shared testimonies, and as part of mine I shared this idea of how I felt like God used sunsets to grab my attention, and prove His faithfulness in my life. The first sunset that stood out to me came after a long day in high school where I was just over it all, upset with God and ready to call it quits on the day. I was mad and tired and I huffed home. But after dinner something out the window caught my eye, and the sun was spreading colors of pink across the clouds. My breath was taken away, and as I ran for a camera I could not help but smile. I felt like God slapped me in the face and said "Leslie! I still make beautiful things, and there is still so much hope, beauty and potential in today". From then on I tried to think about what God was trying to get my attention for when the sky lit up. I did not know it at the time of that post about my final sunset in PNG that that was just the beginning of sunsets for me. As we flew across the ocean, we were enveloped about one and the first night I moved into college a sunset settled about the chapel steeple, and with it fell a sense of peace that God was here in this place as well. After sharing my testimony at camp we all went out for ice-cream, and as we drove through the beautiful country with new family sitting next to me, the sky lit up. The decision to name me Sunset was easy, and I loved being able to use it as a testament to God and how He makes beautiful things beyond our reach and how He will never leave or forsake you.
Yesterday my friend invited me along to a church that she had to visit for a school assignment. I had a busy day planned out, but since she is graduating in two weeks I cleared my schedule for her. We walked inside this old church and found our seats. As my eyes scanned the walls I saw some tapestries hanging. Then my eyes fell on one that stole my attention. It had an image of a sunset reflecting off of a lake with the words sewn underneath

"Your faithfulness reaches to the skies"

It does not end there- sitting in a pew not too far from that banner with was my missionary friend Matt! Matt grew up two doors down from me in PNG and our moms are best friends, I've known him as long as I can remember. I knew he lived in this town near me but we never have time to get together. Plus, come to find out, he usually goes to the early service- but slept in yesterday so went to that one. What are the odds out of all the services and churches that I would run into him? It was a refreshing surprise and nice to touch base before running home to a crazy day.
And as I drove home from a quick trip to the store to buy birthday supplies and Christmas presents the sky had a pink halo...and I knew even though I anticipated a crazy 48 hours, the Lord was with me, and He is faithful.
Tomorrow I get to see my parents! I will be officially 500 days apart from my dad. It has not been an easy time apart and I miss them more than words can say. But I can say, the Lord is faithful, and He got us through.
I am so beyond blessed.
Great is thy faithfulness oh Lord!

Fall

When I was little winter was the season I missed most overseas because this little tropical island MK was mystified by snow. But as I grew older I fell in love with fall and it has been my favorite season for the past couple years. This year though, I feel like fall has been two steps ahead of me and that I'm just racing to keep up with it's beauty. It was in the middle of this thought a couple weeks ago, where I was busy and crazy and felt like I was missing all of it's beauty, that I took the time to stop and take it all in. And in that moment I had this thought that gave an entirely new beauty and meaning to this season.
I was in the park with a good friend hammocking and reading Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niquest (highly recommend this book!!) when I came upon the chapter called "Red Tree" which she talked about the season of her life where she was so overwhelmed with all that was going on that month that she didn't even notice the red tree that had changed colors across the street, until one particularly stressful day. And she goes on to talk about how in those crazy times there was so much beauty to be found. Yes it was easy to focus on all the details and planning of a relatives rehearsal dinner, but at that dinner she needed to stop and soak in the love of family, etc. This chapter was just what I was feeling! This semester is really busy, but within it hold the potential for some of the greatest moments. There are memories tucked within just waiting to be found. And through it all I am growing into something new.
And from that flowed these words onto my journal pages: 

Do you think it hurts the trees to have to lose their leaves each fall? That is must shed the very reason and things it lives for in a sweet surrender? Do you think each frail leaf tries their hardest to hold on, but must let go to take it's own final bow? Yet to us, fall is one of the most beautiful seasons, as the trees burst with color and fill the air with a beautiful display. It stands as a reminder as we crunch through the dead leaves that there is a rhythm to life, an order and truly a season for everything. Without shedding their leaves is new life possible. The old must go for the new to come. And all this makes me think of my life and how in this time of refining and discovery, surrender and putting things to death. I feel the tension and turmoil as I cling to keep all my leaves that cover my core but my coverings and life fall at the wayside. But I realize now that this is one of the most beautiful seasons of my life. Like a fire refines gold, I'm burning through my inner being. And in the end I might feel like a exposed, frail, empty, good for nothing tree, but truth is: I'm a blank canvas ready to be filled with new life, hope, joy and beauty. And that is why my 2nd favorite season is spring.

I'm back!...again.

I know it has been 9 months and more has happened than I can ever retell, so in a sense I feel guilty and odd not picking up where I left off, but I think as I unfold what is going on now, a lot of that will be tied in.
But honestly, the past 9 months have been so hard, yet so good but I really was not at a place in my life where I was able to open up and put myself out there in the middle of it all. I retreated as I went into my inner most being and wrestled with things in my life and my depths, was challenged daily and have grown so very much. Not to use the overdone metaphor but I feel like I have been in the state of a cocoon the past year, and slowly but surely I am breaking out. And I think that I am coming to the point that I am ready to come to the empty screen once again and put my heart out there again. I have found a new sense of confidence and am ready to share the things God has put on my heart.
I actually attempted to start another blog while I was absent, but it just was not working out and I realized (as weird as it sounds), that this is sort of my "first love". The place I first enjoyed writing and put my little high school thoughts out there and tried to contrive eloquent sentences. This blog holds memories and little pieces of gold within all the mumbo jumbo that in a strange sense, it's a little piece of me. My dear friend started a blog this weekend and I was reminded of the joy I found in it.
So here I am.
I updated my background because I needed something fresh and new, and being the intentional woman that I am I chose this one for more that just it's beauty factor. I could have gone with the MK typical map, or the symbolic footprints, but I think this background represents my life right now. It's messy and a little crazy and you can't totally make sense of it...but that is who I am- my life is messy and God works through that to form the beautiful. I'm full of memories and moments that all make up the complex being of who I am- like a kaleidoscope that God perfectly orchestrated. It's beautiful in its own way, that only the creature can fully see.
So here again are pieces of my heart, my thoughts, and my testamony of how God is making something beautiful out of a mess.

Open Doors

For a while now I have found myself in this season where I feel the need and urgency to get out there and be the hands and feet of God. It is not enough for me to attend meetings that talk about what we can do, or "just pray" (though I don't discount that as the biggest thing we can do!).
I just want to do something. I want to see the evidence that I am making a difference.
YET, there is this laziness of my sinful nature that has welled up inside so that despite these feelings I haven't done anything. I think about joining clubs, but never get my butt to the meeting. I keep intending to, "when I get back I will -" but then...nothing. This week we had a poverty symposium here at my school and I had the awesome privilege of listening to Shane Claiborne speak. Let me tell you, he is one remarkable man who is doing big things for Christ. He inspired me. We also had a special Small Group event that focused on this topic of poverty. Once again, I felt convicted about all that I wasn't doing. For all know that " If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. (James 4:17). How much sin have I really been living in? So much more than I even know. Wow. Humbled and broken.
Once we returned back to the dorm I laid on a dear friend's floor and lamented my life problems and rambled about my thoughts and emotions trying to make sense of them all.
And after all, all I knew was I  needed direction.
I had a million questions, and I needed answers. Even if it was just one.

I was walking around this afternoon thinking of all this again and there was this thought that drifted through my mind of  "sometimes I just feel like God stops speaking to me". I felt like I was left in the middle of a giant world, overwhelmed, with no answers, no direction. A fight, but not enough passion.
Well...as you can guess. That is not the end of the story, because our God is an awesome God, after all.
This evening before dinner my RA pulled me into her room because she wanted to ask me something. Come to find out, a small group of them are going to go down to GA to help in a tornado relief effort all day tomorrow and she wondered if I wanted to join. Immediately my heart rejoiced. It only took a split second to realize that this trip was directly from the hand of God. My schedule was virtually free, and the only thing planned could easily be moved. I had declined that trip home with my roommate, and even two of my best friends went on a trip with out me and I was bummed I had to stay here by myself. Well God knew I needed to stay, so I could go.
I also have really been in need for some service hours for my school so I can stay on track of getting 80hrs by Graduation and this has been weighing on my mind all week but I can get hours tomorrow.

There are obviously still many questions left unanswered, and obviously I still need to seek out other service opportunities beyond this, but the real reason I am so excited is because I realized that my God is still speaking. He is still vividly direction. Because so clearly, right before my eyes, a door was opened. I know they are not always this obvious, but I have to continue to trust they are always there, being opened- one at a time. This is just the first step. Hopefully from here I can start learning more and more to be aware of what He is doing and how I can serve Him.
Please be in prayer for us tomorrow if it crosses your mind. I have never done a trip like this before.  

lessons.

I've only been back to school for just about a week and a half and it already feels like its been a huge semester. And will be. A semester of truth growth and change. Challenge.
Last semester I just got my feet wet, established in a new place. Seeds planted.
Now it's time to grow. To make roots. To produce fruit.
My Co-Floor Leader and I were given a pot to plant seeds in last week to prove this very point. Last semester we established friendships, and a basis, but now in Small Groups, it's time to go deep, and see the fruit of our labor.
Well tonight it was brought to my attention that a small bud had broken through the soil. For a person who does not a green-thumb what-so-ever I was thrilled. And as I sat in Small Group prayer with my fellow Floor Leaders, I just had this happy content feeling sweep over me realizing that God is indeed working in my hall, establishing friendships and extending roots. ...Not all of it we can see- sometimes we can only see a glimpse, but He sees the beautiful big, eternal picture.
With that small green sprout also came the encouragement of life and a something beautiful and new.

Similarly, this afternoon it snowed. SNOW. My MK heart was ecstatic as I had anticipated it all day, and walked through all the sleet and hail that prepared the way. But it fell the entire time I was in a meeting, and stopped before I got out. And as disheartening this fact is, I also can find a symbolic attachment to my current life.
I was in a meeting like none I've ever had. I had an experience I might never get to have again. An ex-pimp, who was saved my grace came to FREEU (an anti-human trafficking club on campus) to share his testimony. Much of my time and mind have been spent thinking about this horrific topic of sex/human trafficking/ modern slavery as last semester it was raised in my life often and this semester I'm actually moved to respond. Having watched "Sex + Money" the other day, I couldn't stand it any longer. It was time to move.
With this heartbreaking subject, paired with a heavy topic I was preparing for Small Groups about how media portrays women and in-turn society view/treat women my heart was pretty heavy. Reality is, our world is pretty broken. But as I was listening to this man share his stories, I thought about the snow covering the ground, laying a blanket of white on everything, and I felt this peace cover me like a blanket as well. My God is bigger than this, and as out of control as it is, nothing is beyond His capability. This feeling of Him just covering me with His pure, perfect self came over me. I really don't know how to describe it, but as the world was transformed outside, my heart was being transformed inside.
As this man shared his testimonial I was moved to tears by the power and true grace of God.
There still is beauty left in this world. There really, really is.
You make beautiful things out of dust...you make beautiful things out of us.  

I move through these days, just seeing God move and being aware of His presence in even just the little things. It is a very special time in life when you find yourself in the middle of it, and one I haven't had often...but I'm learning to just fully trust Him, be content and praise Him- for the good and the bad. To pray and just stand in awe of Him as He moves. Our God is an awesome God. Amen? 

3:40 am.
Darkness has surrounded me and despite my body slowly giving in, my mind won't let me go to sleep.
It's racing with memories, old and new. My heart is over flowing with joy and gratitude as I feel so extremely blessed.
I have spent the last week with some (20+!!) Missionary Kids (MKs) from Papua New Guinea, which has been an unbelievably special time and has been far beyond all that I could have hoped for. After half a year of packing up my world and adapting to a new one, figuring out college and the American life, it was exactly what I needed- to be able to bring in the New Year with old loved ones was such a treat.
The great thing is that MKs have this special bond that no words can describe. Even the MKs I haven't seen in years or were never close to, we still connect deeply, and even MKs from different counties that I meet- we all have this thing within in us that just has an understanding that can't be described. It is quite remarkable.
It has been so much fun because I've been able to see people I haven't seen in 5ish years, friends who have since gotten engaged, friends I wasn't close to before but now have formed a friendship, friends I thought I'd never see again and one of my very closest friends in life. We've made new memories that are separate from PNG ones, but also reflected on the old.
Part of me feels like I never left PNG because, as bazaar as it is to see all these faces again, and in a Westernized setting, it feels so natural. As much as I love my life at college, that is exactly what I needed, to totally step aside from current life and go back "home", to the familiar at least. And since I was a million miles from home this holiday season, it's the next best thing.
But in the middle of this excitement I've been reminiscing (as expected at New Years) and realizing how much has happened in the 6 months since I've left (which I haven't blogged about) despite it going by in a blink of an eye.
God has been so incredibly good to me- providing me with friends, people to fill ever little whole I might have in my life, great teachers and classes. To give me comfort in time of pain, strength in times of weakness, energy finishing many a late night paper. I have learned so much in every area of my life and just really discovering so much in me and...this world.
2012 was really quite some year. Starting in PNG blowing up deodorant cans on a dirt mound, and cruising in the back of a pick up truck, to having every "last", cramming it all with memories. Senior trip, Banquet, Grad, packing up, lock ins, retreats, holidays, outreaches, SRC events, Cairns vacation, reunions, goodbyes, traveling around the US with my mom, visits from a brother, moving into a dorm and starting college, Thanksgiving in Ohio, Christmas in Georgia. And how fitting that it all came full circle to end it with a house full of PNG folks. It was definitely a great start to 2013. :)

We've spent the week eating out, going Ice Skating (still feeling that one...), watching the new Les Mis (SO good), catching up on each others lives, playing Chinese Checkers like a pro, drinking countless cups of coffee, and just all around enjoying each others company. I am truly happy and ready to start another semester.