retracing the footprints

Here I sit...the last day of 2011. I survived another year. :)
This time of year always brings about reflecting on the old, aspiring for the new.
I will definetly take some time tonight to think back on all that I've done this year and make a list of goals for the new year.



SO much can happen in one year. I think of all that I've done and learned this past year and I think of how drastically different my life will be this time next year.

It's still hard to believe that 2012 is knocking at the door. 2012 - that big date that always seemed so impossibly far away, and here it is!
I thank God for the blessed year He gave me and I'm excited to see what He has in store for this coming one. :)
I'm taking my last steps out of 2011 and the year is gone, but I leave behind my footprints and hope that some of those have left a good impression.

I must remind myself that I can't dwell on the past, but I mustn't forget the lessons I learned, the blessings I was given and the memories I gained. Here I go, looking forward in excited anticipation. It's time to live in the moment. <3 So slip on your heels, light your sparkler, bang a pot and raise a glass --- HERE'S TO A NEW YEAR!!! :)

catching my breath

It's easy at Christmas to get all caught up in the lights and the presents, the cookies and the movies, the friends and the family...in the crazy busyness of it all. Fortunately, living in PNG, there isn't as much commercialism as there is in other parts of the world, but never the less, I guiltily admit I expect Christmas to be more then just a celebration of Christ's birth. This afternoon, after all the thrill, the watching TV, playing games...I went to my room and starting busying myself and I suddenly felt overwhelmed and like...I couldn't even hear myself think! I had to just turn everything off (all my TV shows, facebook etc) and sit there for a moment and just catch my breath. Too much.
In my last blog I shared a lot about my Christmas morning- the presents and the memories...but there is a lot that I left out, the emotions.
(Now if you're tired of hearing me blab on, stop here...but I do promise to try to add more depth in this post :D )

This year I attempted to focus more on the birth of our Lord and Savior. In my Religious Studies class @ school we've talked quite a bit about the Incarnation so I combined all the things we learned there and the stories in the Bible of this holy occasion to reflect on what this day marks. The two things that have come to my mind the most this year is 1)how much Christ had to limit Himself to come on this earth with us, giving up SO many of His dimensions & 2)what would it be like to be in Mary's shoes. Would I/do I have the faith like her? etc.

Last night at the beautiful reflective candle light Christmas Eve service I was also reminded of all that Christ was for the us/the world and to, the purpose of Him coming (to ultimately die for our sins). Through out the season, God has laid various other things on my heart, exploring the roles of Joseph, how the little things mattered, the humble shepherds and the Magi...He has definitely used this bitter sweet Christmas to keep me alert of what He has to say. What did God teach you this Christmas? (leave in a comment :) )

There comes a key source of emotion. I sit here, worn out from a busy week and a very exciting day, but I'm not ready to go to bed because I can't bare the fact of saying goodbye to my last Christmas in PNG. I hate to have turned into the sappy girl who cries at every little event that is her last, but 6 months from today I'll be arriving in Cairns. Half a year...that's all I got. So as I start to mourn it, I realize- it's time to start making the most of it!

If you know me, you know I have a hard time living in the moment, and many times have a hard time being content. This afternoon (after all the excitement/emotional high wore off and I was worn out)I was just kind of bummed. All my friends and loved ones are doing something big this Christmas, going somewhere (like Cairns), seeing someone special, being all together with loved ones, ect. Now don't get me wrong- I had a great Christmas, and I LOVED being with my parents today but...
I miss my family in America, skype was a blessing, but just not enough. The jealousy bug has bitten and I wish I was on one of those planes taking me away from here. But I must be content in the moment. *sigh*

Now that Christmas is over I feel like "real life" must start again. Back to jogging, back to working, back to college apps, back to ______. And with that comes stress!! :) I'm trying to just relax and enjoy this break, but it's slowly ticking away and there is still lots to do! :/ Gotta get working.

There are so many other emotions compiled on top of these, but I will spare you the details ;)

Here's just a reminder of some of the things God is for us. A good reminder (for myself at least) after thinking through all these different emotions how God is SO big that he can help us with any need we have. How great is our God!?!, Our Lord & Savior, who was born into the world in the most humble of all ways.

Christmas in the Walker home

Hoping you all have a very Merry Christmas!!
I sure had a special day.
It all started with waking up at like 6 (I never sleep well the night before), I tip-toed out into the living room to look at the presents sparkling under the tree's lights. I stole my stocking and retreated back to my room to open it (a tradition allowing us to open that whenever we so desire). After that I went for a little walk outside to find some Christmassy flowers for my mom then just entertained myself until my parents were ready to start the day.
After a relaxed cup of coffee and yummy breakfast, the reading of Jesus' birth and a prayer we turned to our presents. It was still strange only having 3 people to open, but we enjoyed each others company and took our time. We like to "play" with our "toys" when we open them to spread out the fun. So when we get a new shirt, we try it on, we all smell the perfume, look at the book, sometimes we open and eat the chocolate...you get the picture.
I love my mommy! This year she tagged our presents a little different. She had them "from" lots of different "people". So I had presents from "Saint Nick", "the Grinch", "Prancer", "Vixon", "Frosty", "Little Cindly-Loo Who" etc. and even the "Easter Bunny!!" :P It was so cute & fun!! :D
I'm so blessed and am happy with the things I got.

Some of notable items are:
-my GoBible from my Grandma (an audio Bible)
-cute clothes & accessories from my parents
-the "new" season of Psych for my family!! :)

Once the last present was opened and the floor was covered in crumbled paper we took a quick breath then went and watched TV and played a game together. Now we take a break from all the family time before we regroup a bit later to make dinner. I could use a nap!!
It was a very special, memorable, fun, relaxing, bitter sweet, last PNG Christmas.

Here's just a glimpse into our day: :)

Before the beautiful reflective Christmas Eve service.

Lots of Peanut M&Ms going around. We love 'em!! :)

A lot of this went down ;)

My present to dad :)

My present to mom :) (well not totally done...need to add a few things :/)

I love Christmas!!!!! :D (& in my new bright orange BeMobile shirt :P)

P.s. It's a beautiful blue skies, very hot hot sunny day!!!

waiting...

I try to make myself believe this in hope that it's true and God really does have someone special out there, like everyone promises me. <3

the beach? an opera? PLAQUE?

(...on a lighter note :) )
This morning I had to go to the dentist...

When I was young, like most kids, I hated going to the dentist- it was scary!
But then when I was a preteen I had to get braces, meaning I had to go to the dentist every single month, for about a year straight. I became so natural there that it was like going to my best friends house. Well the braces were removed and me and my best friend and I (Dr.Dane?) grew apart :( so when it was time for me to go again today...I was taken back to my childish anxieties.
My appointment was for 9:30am...I didn't know the world operated that early!!
So (being on my break sleep pattern) I woke up groggily with not much time to get myself together.
I realized that because I had to walk down I didn't have time to eat!
But then I realized I couldn't eat on the way down, because my mom would kill me alive if she found out I went to the dentist without brushing (:D hi mom!!). What really is the point of brushing when you're going to go get them cleaned?! It's like losing weight before having liposuction!! Anyways, I put some crackers in my bag, grabbed a bottle of water and headed out the door.
Half way down the hill, and half way through my bottle I had the rational fear that not only will I be starving, I'll have to PEE the whole time (sorry for the potty talk!). I slipped in right at 9:30, to have to wait for 20 min. So what did I do? Finished off my water as the crackers whispered to me from inside my bag. I was worried I'd have to remind myself not to nibble on his fingers and that I can hold it! But once I sat on that chair, that those two things were far from my mind.
My dentist was Korean...and I knew I was in good hands, because Asians are known for being clean. And I love Korean dentists, because they feel like they must say everything twice. "Air, this is Air, aairr".
As he reclined my chair and turned on the overhead spot light, I tried to pretend I was lounging on a nice beach...it didn't work. It wasn't just the opera playing in the back ground that busted that imagination game. He put a towel over my face so I wouldn't be splattered with water (which still managed to make it up my nose) and I only could see a peek of blue sky out the bottom, through the window, reminding me there is hope.
Well I love technology!! He used this "high frequency" tool that just looked like a dangerously sharp pick that vibrates and spews water. It scared me, but it meant no painful flossing, gum bleeding, teeth brushing with weird gritty tooth paste, and no spitting.
The tool that I don't like was the "suction"...when you close your mouth on it and then you feel like half your lip got suctioned down to the whole thing!!
Once he did the bottom it was time for the top...and he had to adjust the chair.
"Chair down, chair down"...and it kept going! Until my feet were far above my head and I was sure all my blood would be in my head and I would pass out! Luckily none of my fears came true and he was done rather quickly.
My teeth honestly didn't feel much cleaner afterwards, but I knew I was much more plaque free. And what did I do when I got home? ate. There goes those clean teeth...haha soorry, I was hungry!
I learned a few things today- the dentist isn't too bad, wake up early enough to eat and brush, and I'm never going to be a dentist when I get big.

*fast fact= Justin Beiber wears an invisilign :P

don't worry...

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, with transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through him who gives me strength."

The day break officially hit I was thrilled to be free! To just be bored...relax...not worry about anything. But quickly I realized it felt like I still had responsibilities hanging over my head...weighing me down. I tried to attend to them, but it still wouldn't go away. Yesterday I became overwhelmed with stress and worry, just about life. I made a break "to do" list (which I usually live by) and was not thrilled to see it longer then I had hoped. But it is nice to have it all written out so I can make a plan of attack.

I think a lot of the stress and anxiety is from having so much on my mind...just about my future, about finishing things up here, planning events and over-analyzing things.
The other part is that this last semester, though it was fast, wore me out. This semester wasn't overloaded like semesters I've had in the past, but it just took more out of me emotionally, psychologically, spiritually...therefore physically. Much of it comes from being SRC President...which I knew would be a big task when I took it on...and this break I still have a lot of planning to do. We are going to Lae at the beginning of January to drop off good at the Hospital, which we raised the money for at carnival.
And then there is college. I really was hoping to make it into this one, but everything got put on hold because of 1)slow mail 2)needing to prove I'm a US citizen and 3)them being gone for holidays. I try to trust God, but I'm starting to become anxious. Starting to finish off other applications. Everyone else is getting excepted everywhere...why not me?! And I need to apply for scholarships. As I said once...I like to have the future planned and known to me, so I'm feeling very out of control.
There's the little things, like Christmas presents, planning a monologue for play auditions, sorting through all my accumulated junk, preparing to help with the VBS, etc. and it's all built up.
And then I worry that because I am busy this break that I won't get rested and next term is going to be SUPER busy and I wonder if I'll survive. All this worrying is making me worry! I need to be set free!!

I looked up these verses because I needed to remind myself to NOT WORRY!!
God is showing me not to worry, not to stress, to take it one day at time, rely on HIS strength, stay focused, and keep pushing on.
I'm still not totally free from all this anxiety but I'm working at it slowly. (and then the phone rings and I'm reminded of another thing I need to do....haha it really just did)
If you're the praying type, I would appreciate if you sent up a little prayer for me. Thanks!! <3
(sorry this was kind of a venting session)

inspiration to change the world

Quite honestly, tonight I was rather bored and desperate for some blogs to read (now that I'm addicted and all)...it's been hard finding ones that I enjoy reading or relate with (and that update enough so that I always have something to read :P) but, once again, I searched for something that grabbed my attention. Through a round about way I found http://misselainious.com and immediately was intrigued. The caption is "1 dress. 100 days. for orphans". Well, I think many of you know that God is growing me a heart for orphans, and as I looked deeper I found that Elaini has an incredible faith. Her blog posts are so eloquently written and are laced with so much truth and amazing reminders about our awesome God.
That's not the coolest part. What she did was took a simple black dress and wore it for 100 days straight (washing it of course) and accessorizing it in 100 different stylish ways to raise money for orphans in India. Well she completed her 100 days, and now she just puts together cute outfits. She is currently doing the "12 days of Christmas", having her friends model in beautiful dresses that fit each day. She has raised a total of $42,044.90. (goal=$50,000)
I'm so inspired by her story, her dreams, her blogs, her faith...by her! and the work God is doing through her.
It makes me think...can I have dreams as big as Elaini with the courage to try and make a difference in this world. What does God have in store for me?
I can be doing better then this.
So check out her website. I love it and hope you will too :)

stopped in my tracks

I rolled over and glanced at the clock, 10:23am. I stretched awake and a content grin spread across my face, I actually got to sleep in for once. As I rolled over I heard my haus meri (the lady we hire to clean our house) washing the dishes and I guiltily admit I let out a sigh as I realized today was the annual haus meri/yard man + family Christmas party. It's not that I don't like doing this, but it means staying home, sitting around awkwardly not knowing what to say, in a language I honestly don't know how to speak well...and I'm just too selfish to give them one lunch out of 365 lunches!
But today God turned it around to show me how blessed I am and I felt instantly humbled.
As I heard the voices of my haus meri's grandchildren outside a voice inside my head reminded me of the 2 hour walk they all had to take to arrive at my house. Thoughts of how each week Uira walks 2 hours both directions to work all day to support her family...and here I am lounging around the house and asking to drive across the center to a friends house cuz I'm too lazy to walk.
Next I helped my mom wrapping presents for the little kids/grandkids that were coming and my mind floating to the fact that this is probably the only gift they'll get to open this year...and here I am this Christmas season, exciting to dig into the presents I know will surround my tree. What's it like to have a Christmas with very limited gifts? This is it.
We all gathered in a circle before the meal and I enjoyed seeing them all...how the young ones have grown. How cute the little babies are...But as their big eyes scanned the big room, I could only imagine what was going through their minds...and after always feeling like the poor missionary, I felt so extremely rich that I almost was embarrassed. Then, just before we went to get our food, precious little Joy presented me with a bilum (string bag) she'd made for me. I was taken back...so touched that she had taken the time to make it and out of the little she had.
After we ate the meal my mom prepared for us we all headed down stairs for a bit of entertain while we ate ice cream and cookes. We put on the video, Finding Nemo. As the colorful clown fish swam across the screen the little baby boy giggled and giggled and giggled as they all watched the screen intently. He had never seen something like this. The other kids had watched a video here and there, but so rarely that it was still magic to them. I sat in there presence and, again, realized all the little things I took for granted. And I also realized I knew all about the making of an animation that it had almost lost it's magic. I know how those fish all swim across the screen, and for a second I kind of did feel that ignorance is bliss.
It was the last Christmas lunch I'd have with these lovely people, and though every year it's a reminder of how blessed I am, this year hit a little deeper.
All this to say, I hope this Christmas season God can show you too how truly blessed you are...and even if you have nothing, if you have Him, you have everything you need. And this really sank in as I heard my yard man saying a sweet prayer for my family to my mom. I walk away from today feeling a little more humbled, a little more grateful and a little more willing to work harder to reach out to those who don't have as much. It was a special day...a day where God stopped me in my tracks.

My bilum...the pattern is "fishes backbone". I wish I thought of it today to get a picture with it w/ Joy. Too late :(

the bungee jumping angel...

This is a story of an adventurous plastic angel, living on the edge...

It all began on one Christmas season day one of the first years we were here in PNG. It was a typical tropics December day, the sun was shining, the grass was green, the air was warm, and everything felt so not Christmassy. As I innocently played with my baby dolls, or whatever kept me occupied those childish days, the ground began to roll. The rolling turned to shaking and pretty soon we were in the middle of a big earth quake. Once the earth quake stopped we looked at our tree to see our angel dangling on a wire from the top of the tree. We thought she looked as if she had been bungee jumping. And to this day, we call her the bungee jumping angel.

This story often is told at Christmas and I just told my best friend about it the other day.
Today I was sitting innocently in my room watching TV when my room began shaking. And before I knew it, the earth quake was pretty intense. I ran to the kitchen as I heard things falling, in time to catch the toaster- on its way off the counter. Candles fell off shelves, the wise men fell, and our carved wooden baby Jesus sky dived from the shelf. I held the kitchen together and finally the earth quake calmed. But I was still shaken (no pun intended :P) and then, I looked over at the tree, realizing that once again, our angel had bungee jumped.
Come to find out later that it was a 7.3 earthquake! and we found it ironic, that the first and last Christmas (and no others out of the 11 I've had here in PNG)the angel bungee jumped. Now I have two stories to tell :)

I woke up this morning, ready to rush off into a day full of Christmas busyness and cheer, but as I got on my computer real quick before I got out of bed, my big brother popped up on skype. I thought I didn't have time to talk, but it ended up being a really special little chat, a real blessing, and a highlight to my long day. As we just "hung" and chatted about random things and I watched him play his guitar and sing songs he taught himself I was relaxed and content. He even "wrote" me a song on the spot...which led to a few tears as a wave of realization of how much I miss my big brothers hit. I love Christmas, but it still fills funny being the only child around at this time of year. I miss my big brothers as I know their stockings will hang empty, or I don't have an "annoying", playful brother who likes to move the wise men because "they're still on their journey" or rearrange the advent calendar or having to bribe them into decorating the Christmas tree by holding the cookies for ransom...little things like that.
So I was looking as a couple pictures of Christmas' past and reminisced of the good ol' days...of way back when, and more recently.

Christmas 1995...when we were cute :)

Christmas 2009...our last Christmas together.

This is one of the down sides of being an MK...so far from much of my family.
I would be happy to think that next year there is a chance that I can be with my brothers for Christmas, but my hear breaks slightly as I realize I won't be with my parents :( How will I survive? SOMEDAY we'll all be together again for the holidays. hmmm...I don't know if I like this growing up thing :P
I use to thing my brothers were big, mean and annoying but I don't anymore. ;) Being apart 1 1/2+ years makes me realize I might of taken em for granted, and love & cherish our special memories together. I also love watching you grow into men. I'm a proud little sis :)

"I'm just sitting on my bed doing nothing
but it makes me happy and I'm fine with that
so I'll talk to my Leslie looo
BECAUSE I love youuuu!" -Nathan Walker <3 up coming song writer ;) jk

Fridays are the best...

especially when you're free from school :)
I sit here on my porch as the sun is just finished setting with a content smile on my face. It really has been a busy but good day.
It all started with waking up early to go shopping in Kainantu with my bestie, Kaela. We searched the dark stores for little treasures as people pressed all around us...it was quite a bustlin' day in K92, but none the less we both found some great deals.
Hey, when you can get a great dress for $1 or an amazing sweater and top combo for $.50...or the perfect purse for $1.50...it doesn't get much better then that.
We came home and tried them all on in excitement...picked out 2 of our favorite outfits, got all "done up" and headed out doors, camera in hand, for an afternoon taking pictures. It was a beautiful sunny day (after ALL the rain we've had) and perfect for pictures.
It was so much fun!!! Then after my camera was full, we made some lemonade and played around with photo shop. Topped off with a change of outfits, a couple more photos, and relaxing while watching some TV.

(a couple of my favorites...maybe I'll post more later)
Sigh...I'm so glad today was a holiday. I don't know if I could've made it through another day of school. I think God knew I needed a day of carefree fun and relaxation with a very special, beautiful lady He blessed me with.
So now I blog with a bowl of mac & cheese in hand (the parentals left me!) and good book just waiting for me. I'm tired, but a happy camper.
Oh, yeah, and later tonight- once I get my second wind I'm going swing dancing...to dance the night away...fun fun fun :)

What will we stand for?

I like this quote cuz I feel it's so true. Unless we know what we'll stand for it's easy for us to quickly fall into something else...ending up where we might not want to be.
So I gotta ask myself now, what will I stand for? so when I find myself in that place where I have to stand up for/against it I'll know for sure where my feet are.

How do you eat an elephant?

...one bite at a time. :)
This past week has been final exam week at my high school. Fortunately, being a senior and all, I only had 3! :) (which is much better then my usual 4 or 5). English, Chemistry (in the Community...yeah...), and US Government. It's been like pulling teeth all week to study and finish off the semester...but I made it out alive. I feel great about my exams and it feels soo good to be done. This last term in particular has been very busy, and just draining. Adding college applications, SRC responsibilities and various other things have made it seem extra long. I can't believe I'm already at the end of the semester...half way through my senior year. And even though I complain about it being long, the truth is, it went by in the blink of an eye...and I know this semester will be all the faster.
At the beginning of the term I just saw term 2 as this big monster term that I'd never get through but my mom kept reminding me of one of her favorite phrases to quote to me "How do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time". So then I had an idea!! I really WILL eat an elephant a "bite at a time".
So I printed this elephant off and divided it up into 49 bites (the # of school days there are this term) and randomly #ed them. Each day I color in a bite. It's similar to a paper chain, or checklist...but it reminds me each night I'm making progress. Well my elephant is almost all purple :) Yep, I'm 18...but who cares, I still love purple elephants.

Notice the bags under my eyes? ;) On everyday I also wrote something I accomplished that day. Notice the empty square in the middle? It says "PARTY!" cuz tomorrow is still a school day, but I don't have any exams.
Anyways...I'll free you from this childish fun. haha
Aww now if only college apps weren't calling my name....nevermind them- I'm free :)

the Lord determines his steps...

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" -Proverbs 16:9

I'm one of those people who have to have everything all planned out...I like to know what's going to happen in the future, when it'll happen, how, where, etc. I hate the unknown, and can't stand when I know there is a surprise coming...I'm just impatient like that. Call me crazy, but I spend much of my time playing out scenes in my mind of how I think, or unrealistically hope, a scene will play out. Often times I wish I could just get a glimpse down the road so I know what is coming so I could just be more content in the now, knowing...but I realize that even if I got a sneak peak, I wouldn't be happy.
As my time here in PNG is wrapping up there is a lot of events for my mind to make "mini-movies" out of. Graduation, for instance, or my trip back to the U.S. I've always struggled with being in the "now" as I quickly switch back and forth from strolling down memory lane and dreaming about the future.
Back to what I was saying at the beginning...right now I'm going through the whole process of applying to colleges, picking my major...planning my future. I just want to know!! Where will I find myself this time next year?
So I often have to bring my mind back to Proverbs 16:9. I posted it on the bulletin board that had all my college info on it when I started my search. It's comforting to know that God while guide my steps to exactly where I need to be. I guess knowing that I can rest more comfortably in the now because I don't have to worry about every little detail about my future and that I'll end up at the wrong place.

On the topic of colleges...I've applied to 2 and 1/2. Cedarville University = accepted :) 1/2 = Bryan...I still have to turn in my not finished essay and reference forms. But my real desire, at this point, is to go to Lee University in Tennessee. I just got word the other day (after not hearing from them for a long time) that I need to turn in a "proof of citizenship". This was kinda disheartening because I was really hoping to already hear back from them and this makes things complicated. Oh living in a 3rd world country...sigh. Anyways. I guess I just gotta keep trusting in my Lord and Savior and know that He has a guided path marked out for me. :)
Well signing off for now...hope you have a great day <3

the first steps

I never imagined that I'd have a blog someday but as more of my friends got them I quickly realized this is something I'd probably like. I feel like it's a good time in my life to start one as I enter the "6 month" mark. I only have 1/2 a year left in this place I call home...so this blog is mostly to mark and share my journey -physically and spiritually- as I have exciting last adventures, learn lifelong lessons, have random burst of thoughts and God shapes me through it all. And then once I hit July it'll flip to the reverse...as I make a new home. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me :)
Even if there is no one out there reading my posts, I'll have this to look back at to see the "footprints" of my journey.
Here we go...